Draking Bad
by PelicanSlut66642069
Summary: Drake and Josh think it'd be cool to make meth although they are fricking dumbies (This is PG)
1. Chapter 1

It was a dark and stormy night, Drake had finished pounding the local slutbag in San Diego.

"Hey Josh, check out this new hip candy I found, yo!" Drake exclaimed.

"Drake, you bumbling hooligan, that isn't candy, that is methamphetamine which is for fucking nerds" Josh replied intimately.

"You're the fucking nerd, you nerd"

After arguing about the meth for 2 minutes, they both came up with ideas.

"We can use this meth and throw it at people." Drake said.

"Or...We can do the just thing and hand it over to the police"

"That's fucking kosher, I'm a rebel, we should make more of this and sell it." Drake proposed.

"Drake, are you out of your mind?"

"No, I'm just peachy, faggot" Drake felt attacked by Josh's remarks.

While they were both bickering, Megan overheard it all

"Guys, you're both a bunch of boobs, we can all become millionaires of this shit." Megan said

"But Megan" Drake rebutted "You already have millions off of iCarly, the new hit show now on Nickelodeon watch now audience please." Drake subliminally advertised.

"But I wanna make more, I can never have enough of that green shit."

"I have a guy that can give you some" Drake offered

"Not that green stuff, I mean money."

While they were talking, Josh vanished as we already asked Craig and Eric on how to make meth.

"You simply put the lime in the coconut" Eric said

"And then…"

"And then what?" Josh asked

"Listen closely" Eric said "This is the most important part"

Josh leaned closer to make sure he hears Erics lessons

"You take the lime, put it in the coconut, and shake it all up"

"That's how you make meth" Craig reassured to Josh

"Thanks Craig and Eric, I'll give you a share if we make any money, you can fuck Mindy as payment"

"Score!" Craig and Eric proclaim in unison.

Josh returns to Drake and Megan with the good news.

"We can start cooking now, we just need somewhere to do it inconspicuously" Josh advised.

"Josh, we don't wanna be racist here, this a PG fanfiction" Drake also advised.

"He didn't say anything racist ya Galoomba" Megan told Drake

Drake began to sniffle a little bit realizing the error of his ways.


	2. Chapter 2

The next day, Josh and Drake go to the used car lot to purchase a lab mobile.

"How much for this beauty?" Drake asked the salesman

"The Kia Soul?! Drake! We can't cook meth in there!" Josh told Drake

"You're cooking meth?" The salesman asked, astonished.

Drake and Josh in fright murder the salesman. They hide his body in the Soul, now named Dragon Dildo, and drive off with it.

"I can't believe we did that!" Josh said "How could we do such a thing? And then steal the car? Drake this isn't right!"

"Look Josh, we are already ripping the source material off enough so stop with the morality theme" Drake said, did he really need to break the fourth wall like that? CUT!

Dan Schneider walks out of his directors chair, looking quite upset.

"Are you kidding me Drake?! Did you even read the fucking script?" Dan looked really mad. but before he could say anything else, he had a heart attack and died.

The following day, everyone attends the funeral, Drake pours one out for the dead homie.

"Drake, we haven't any meth yet, the readers ain't gonna fucking wait here any longer" Josh said

"Yeah lets just go home and cook it in the Dragon Dildo"

Drake and Josh proceed to cook their first batch, it was a success! Or so they thought…


	3. Chapter 3

The next day, Drake offered meth to his girlfriend Jennette McCurdy from the hit Nickelodeon show iCarly, watch it now!

"You sure this is ok?" Jennette asked

"Yeah, I made it, how bad could it be?" Drake said ironically, I think.

Jennette smokes a fat hit of the rocks, she coughs profusely, trying to muster up something that faintly sounded like English.

"Are you ok, bitch?" Drake asked

Jennette's clitoris erupted like a volcano and emerge was a large dong, she was now a man. Drake realizes this and leaves immediately never to speak of her again.


	4. Chapter 4

It's been a month since Drake and Joshs prosperity in the meth business, they have become celebrity figures, and popular ones at, one day, Josh's dream comes true.

"Drake! Drake! We've been asked to be on the Oprah show!" Josh screamed like a fucking banshee.

"But I can't sing that well" Drake replied.

"No Drake, Oprah, now Opera, you fuckin mong" Josh said, too excited to realize the stupidity

"When are we going?" Drake asked

"Tomorrow! Let's pack our bags now!"

They pack their bags and head to Chicago. They reach the destination and get to Harpo Studios and meet Oprah Winfrey herself.

"Oh my god Oprah, so nice to meet you!" Josh exclaimed.

"Why thank you darlin'" Oprah replied "Quick sit down, we gots to film the show"

They film the show and Oprah gives everyone in the audience a bag of Drake and Joshs trademark periwinkle colored meth. Now they head backstage.

"Drake, Josh, Oprah would like to speak to you" One of the producers said to Drake and Josh. So they head to Oprah's office, it's very dark, except for one light shined on Oprah's chair.

"As you may or may not know" Oprah said ominously "I am a meth kingpin as well, and I would like to hire you to into my ring"

The offer shook Josh, who never knew Oprah had a naughty side, they both huddle to consider.

"Drake it's Oprah, how bad could it be?"

"Yeah I feel you, we should do it, this could be millions of dollars"

After debriefing, they accept the offer, 15 million dollars for a years work.


	5. Chapter 5

Drake and Josh move to Chicago and buy a luxurious house without Megan, who has been kicked to the curb by them.

"Those fucking boobs" Megan whispered, she got up from her bed and left her room.

Meanwhile, in Chicago, Drake and Josh find out their new meth lab, in a seemingly harmless florist shop, "Bloomingdales." It is a very expensive looking and nice lab, Drake and Josh meet Freddie Benson, Oprah's hired assistant for them.

"Hiya fellas" Freddie greets the two with a firm but welcoming handshake.

Drake threw up at the fact that Freddie was a fucking loser.

"Oh deary me, you made an oopsy" Freddie says

"Yeah, I'll be alright though, hopefully" Drake says very sickly

The three began making meth, and Freddie keeps bumping into Drake and causing accidents.

"Drake, cut it out you dolt!" Josh says

"It ain't me brah, its the fucking nark, he's more than a nark, he's a narknado" Drake tells Josh

"Look, just deal with it alright? He isn't that bad" Josh says as he goes back to cooking

While heading home, Drake notices someone tailing him, he walks faster and so does the mysterious person. Drake turns a corner and so does the follower, Drake stops at the corner and realizes its Freddie.

"Why are you following me loser?" Drake asks.

"Hi Draaaaaaaaaake, Im you #1 fan" Freddie says, almost mindlessly, he begins to take out a super soaker

"I never thought it would be simple but" Freddie took a breath "I found a way"

"You found a way?" Drake asks

"Oh Drake, if you only simply opened your mind, and looked at what's inside." Freddie said

"Look dude, it's gonna take some time to realize" Drake says hesitantly, not understanding what's going on.

"But if you look inside, I'm sure you'll find, why don't I help you" Freddie says, getting closer, but Drake pops a fucking cap in his head.

"Bitch, that's not how the lyrics go, motherfucker." Drake says proudly, soon after, a Kia Soul runs over Freddies dead body, Josh gets out of the car

"Run" Josh says all cool and shit

"What?"

"Wasn't Freddie trying to kill you?"

"You're a little late on that, bud"

"Well shit, I'm sorry dude, like I was trying to be all cool, I bought this fedora too m'lady."

"You need some character readjustment"

The author makes Josh less obviously ripping off Breaking Bad, wait that's me.

"Ok, I'm coolio now, not the rapper, but, you know" Josh said

"Yeah I get it, let's just go and cook meth for once, like we haven't at all"

They both drive off, while they're driving, let's have story time, here's the story of how Megan and Jennette, both from the hit Nickelodeon show iCarly watch now, meet.


	6. Chapter 6

"Hey, you're Jennette, right?" Megan asks in a dark shady alley

"Yeah, what of it?" Jennette replies, acting very abrasive.

"Well I'm Drake's brother, and I know he gave you that slug of a dick" Megan pointing to Jennette's silly looking member "Well they fucked my ass, not literally that'd be gross I'm 12 but they fucked me in the meth business we had"

"Yeah, word on the street is they at Chicago now"

"Well I wanna fucking kill them and I feel you'd be the right shemale for the job"

"Heck Yeah!" Jennette and Megan shake hands and board a plane to presumably Chicago I wouldn't know I didn't check their tickets.

After a hard days work of cooking meth and smoking some without Josh knowing, Drake heads to the lemonade bar, the place for all the cool cats, Josh joins shortly after.

The lemonade bar is dark but always filled with lively losers, two people sit at the bar with hoodies on, Drake sits next to them nonchalantly.

"I'll take one lemonades, please" Drake says

"I would also enjoy some of your finest lemonade" Josh follows.

Jennette grumbles inaudible English, Drake notices.

"Uh are you alright dude?" Drake asks

Jennette becomes enraged and turns into the shehulk another side effect of the meth, her dick is still floppin around though.

"What the fuck is that slug attached to you?" Drake asks snickering

"Shut up its my dick" Jennette says sadly

Drake and Josh burst into tears at the fact that she has a fucking dick, holy shit dude.

"Guys shut the fuck up you did this to me" Jennette says almost crying

"You're a fucking monster oh my god go to American Horror Story: Freak Show" Drake says topically

"I fucking hate you" Jenette hangs herself with her dick right at the lemonade bar but her dick breaks off, she turns back to normal and is hot as fuck have you seen those nudes

"Damn Jennette you're hot wanna frick frack?" Drake says with a huge boner whoa dude PG fanfiction remember?

"Heck yeah dude!" Drake and Jennette run off probably to frick frack

Megan gets up from her stool and takes out her toy hammer, it squeaks

"No Megan don't do it, wait why are you here" Josh said

"You've done me wrong, so I'll get revenge on you" Megan says so ominously even I'm scared fuck.

Megan raises up the toy hammer and shouts

"Hey everyone, Josh shoved this up his anus once"

Everyone in the bar bursts out laughing, Megan walks out of the bar satisfied, Josh looks into the proverbial camera since this is a story not a show but it'd be cool if this is serialized onto Nickelodeon along with the hit show iCarly watch now, and says

"Megan."


	7. Chapter 7

It's been almost a year since that happened, Drake was never to be found by Josh after that, so Josh gave up finding him after 2 minutes and applied for a job at the Premier near Chicago, coincidentally, Helen and Crazy Steve work there.

"Helen? What are you doing here in Chicago?" Josh asked

"Fool I work here to get closer to Oprah, I'm her #1 fan" Helen says excitingly

Helen looks around aimlessly

"Where's Drake?" Helen asks

"Oh...I don't know, he disappeared"

"Well that's too bad he was a fresh nigga" Helen said

While working there, he notices Crazy Steve eyeing him, a lot.

"Hey...Josh, you got meth?" Steve asks calmly

"Oh, no I don't cook meth anymore"

"The fuck" Steve runs into a wall

Josh walks away slowly, even though his shift hasn't ended, what a strange boy. Meanwhile, in the world of Drake: Drake finishes frick fracking Jennette


	8. Chapter 8

"Hey Drake I have chlamydia" Jennette says

"ffffffffffffffffuckin monkeydicks" Drake says, he immediately broke up with Jennette, again, he begins to wander the streets, looking for Josh, and gives up immediately after 2 minutes, he walks back to Bloomingdales.

"Hey Oprah, where's Josh?" Drake asks

"Don't worry about him" Oprah says

"What?" Oprah kidnaps Drake and makes him her sex slave, but she never actually sexes him because he tells her he has chlamydia, guess it worked out for him, other than the burning sensation.


	9. Chapter 9

Oprah meets with Josh at the Premier, they act like they don't know each other, but everyone fucking knows at this point he was on her show for pete's sake are they dumb?

"What do you want?" Josh asks harshly

"I want you to cook again"

"No way Jose" Jose, Josh's co-worker, becomes sad.

"Did you really need to do that to ol' Jose?" Oprah asks sincerely

"The dudes a wet cunt alright? You don't know me"

"I know you don't know where Drake is, and I'll tell you where he is, if you cook for another year."

Josh ponders at this question, he is worried about Drake, somewhat.

"Uh, no, Drake's not that important to me."

"What?" Oprah is stunned!

"Like he was an okay brother but like he's not really that cool, y'know?"

"Yeah, I feel you"

Oprah, defeated, walks away, turns back, and then walks away again, turns back one more time, but her eyes and Josh's do not meet this time. Josh heads home and stares at a picture of Drake he kept from high school, he sheds one single salty tear.

"I'm sorry Drake, but you're a fucking loser" Josh solemnly slides his hand across the picture, and accidentally drops it.

"God fucking damnit I payed fucking 15 bucks for that fucking frame son of a fucking bitch."

In Josh's fit of rage, he notices a note behind the frame and opens it. It reads; "Josh, would you be a sex slave for Oprah, I don't know man but I'd totally dig it - Drake"

Josh realizes the purpose of this unexpected and stupid plot point. He gets into the Kia Soul, still a thing, by the way, and drives off.


	10. Chapter 10

Josh arrives at San Diego, what the fuck, why is he there?

"This is totally where Drake is, I remember he had a black lady blow-up doll."

No Josh go to Bloomingdales Drake is there!

"I'm sure that he's there."

Josh stop!

"No."

Fucking DINGUS, Josh enters the house, no one is there, not even his parents, let's just say they're dead. Josh pours one out for his dead parents. He enters his room and sees Megan there.

"Megan, what are you doing here?"

"I was placed here by the narrator, apparently you're fucking stupid, which is true, and went to the wrong place in the story."

Yes Josh, you're supposed to go to Bloomingdales back in Chicago! That's like a whole 30 hour drive.

"Look man I was so sure he was here alright?"

Why would he be here?

"Yeah you boob, do you realize what will happen if you stay here any longer? The fabric of the story will rip apart!" Megan said

Wait what? That's so dumb how is that true. A black hole appeared, destroying the foundation of the house, what the fuck? Is that Logan from the other hit Nickelodeon show Zoey 101 watch now!

"Yes, it is I, the almighty God of the Schneider overworld." Logan said with an echoing roar. The black hole was still destroying the fabric of the universe.

"What do we do to stop it?" Josh screams

Fucking go to Bloomingdales

"He is correct" Logan said "It is your destiny, Josh, to save Drake from Bloomingdales."

"Just go Josh!" Megan said, she was sucked into Logan's hole, the black hole, not his vag.

"I do not have a vag, ew, what the fuck" Logan said

Look sorry I didn't mean it like that it's just the readers may not understand.

"I DON'T HAVE A VAG :((((((" Logan screamed like a fucking 12 year old

"What a fucking bitch am I right narrator?" Josh asked me

Yeah holy shit dude calm down the fuck, Logan shrunk down to a puny Keebler elf size.

"I hate you Josh!"

Josh squishes Logan, but the house is still fucked.

"To Bloomingdales ahoy!" Josh says as he runs outside of the house since it's pretty much a fucking mess and gets back in the Soul and drives for 30 hours holy shit.


	11. Chapter 11

Josh arrives fucking tired as dicks dude he drove 30 hours.

"I gots to find Drake" Josh says, slurring his words

He hobbles to Bloomingdales, and heads to the meth lab, there Drake is, chained up naked, softly singing the theme song.

"Drake! Drake! Are you OK?" Josh asks

Drake looks up, it wasn't Drake, it was Jimmy Brooks from Degrassi

"I just wanna draw, man, let me go" Jimmy said

"Who the fuck are you"

"Look if you let me free, I'll help you find Drake"

Josh lets him free, Jimmy and Josh started from the bottom of the lab and now they're here at the top, where Drake is fucking Oprah hard.

"Oh shit Josh it isn't what it looks like" Drake said, covering his dicky

"Drake, I thought you were slaved, Oprah told me you were"

"I was, technically, but jokes on this bitch, I have chlamydia"

Oprah dies from the shock, Jimmy runs over her body with his bomb ass wheelchair

"I won't play wheelchair basketball, mom" The sign to gasp lit up so the audience gasped. Jimmy spit and walked off.

"Hug me brotha" Josh said, but Drake was naked, so they didn't hug. Drake then put his clothes on

"Hug me brotha" They hugged.


	12. Chapter 12

It's been half a year this time, gotta change things up, Josh and Drake return to San Diego, they live in the Premier there since their house was destroyed. Drake reads the newspaper.

"Josh, have you read this story?"

"What story?" Drake shows Josh the newspaper: "Wanted: Drake and Josh, Reason: Meth was illegal the whole time"

"Aw dude, what are we doing in broad daylight?" Josh whimpers, an old lady notices Josh

"Oh no" Josh says

"It's the Theater Thug!" the old lady shouts "Get him"

The two run off

"Where are we gonna hide?" Drake asks "Our house is trashed"

Dan Schneider's ghost appears in front of the two

"Rob Ford?" Drake asks the ghost

"No ya loon, it's me Dan Schneider, I died, remember?"

"Oh yeah" Josh says, he takes out a bottle and pours one out for the dead homie

"I know where you two can live" A white light shines over the TV screen, they are now Kenan and Kel from the hit Nickelodeon TV show Kenan and Kel buy now.

"What the fuck?" Josh says "Drake, you're black!"

"You're black too" Drake says back, a cop knocks on the door, Josh opens it

"You two are under arrest for being armed with skittles and 90's humor" The cop handcuffs them both, and they are sent to jail.

"Well that accomplished nothing" Drake says "We're just black now"

"Well at least there's complimentary orange soda here" The camera pans out to them in the cell, Seinfeld was a cool show, sorry that was so epically random. Back to what I was saying, the camera pans out to Dan Schneider watching them from a window.

"That's all fucks!"


End file.
